This is a Forgery (BD)

An object I have always wanted to get my hands on is the statue of Big Boy. These large 300 lb, 5 ft tall, fiberglass statues stand outside every Big Boy Restaurant franchise and have been the target of many thieves and vandals throughout history. My obsession with pop culture as well as my own personal history with the restaurant chain makes the statue a Holy Grail type object. When the statues have been stolen in the past, they have garnered large amounts of media attention. The statues are usually found or returned within days of their disappearance. The fact that so many people have tried to acquire the statues but have been unsuccessful makes the theft seem like a challenge I would readily accept.

Big Boy was one of the first national restaurant chains to be located near the small town where I grew up. I can remember eating there many times as a small child and always being fascinated with the statue. I would usually treat Big Boy like he was a real person. I would talk to him, hug him, pose for pictures with him, etc… The fact that Big Boy was standing out front inviting me to come dine made the restaurant my favorite place to eat as a 5 year old. Unfortunately, the quality of our local restaurant went downhill and my family stopped eating there. Soon after, the diner closed its doors for good. It was heartbreaking. At age 18 I moved to a larger city and discovered that Big Boy was still thriving there. It was also open 24 hours. Big Boy became part of many new memories, this time involving 3 am stops after a night of partying with friends. It was kind of like running into a friend from elementary school and picking up where things left off as adults. I found that, thanks to alcohol, I would still talk to, hug, and be photographed with my dear friend Big Boy.

That brings us to today, where I would love for Big Boy to come be my roommate. Stealing the statue will be difficult because many of the restaurants are open 24 hours. I will have to find a location in a small town that closes at least for a few hours at night so there is a chance at not been seen. Because the statue is so heavy, I will need a team of friends as well as a large truck to haul it with. This will be one time that it will pay off that most of my friends are degenerate hoodlums. Once we find the right location and the right team, it shouldn’t be hard to sneak in and grab the statue under the cover of darkness, although we will probably have to scope out the location in advance and maybe disable any spotlights a day or two in advance. The real trick will be replacing the real statue with a forgery so it will not be noticed. Actually, who am I kidding, I totally would want it to be noticed. Everyone that steals a Big Boy gets caught. Half the challenge and the fun is doing it and actually getting away with it. I would probably replace Big Boy with a ridiculous ransom note or a large pile of ground beef to signify the hamburger he was named after. My friends and I would then deliver Big Boy to where ever we would decide to store him, and then drive off to a 24 hour location of the restaurant to celebrate the success of the theft.