Control/Lack of Control
I am obsessive, anxious, systematic, efficient, and logical. My work is the same. I make art so the ideas in my head, my obsessions, my neuroses, don't consume me. I like repetition, patterning, pointless tasks because they allow me not to think. I can become almost robotic, which for me is a form of meditation, an escape. I like subjects that worry me in someway. Language has been my most recent fascination. Dictionaries and thesauruses. They are simple and rigid in their construction but language itself has a fluidity a whimsy which I want to achieve. I want to be whimsy and funny. I think my work is funny. It really is meant to be but no one ever sees it that way. So I guess I'm not funny. (Womp)
I am too calculated probably to be funny. Too focused on putting things into grids, patterns, systems. Making the random not random. Even if it appears random my work is not random. Not at all. Everything has a numerical value. I like numbers. Algorithms are fascinating to me. Coding is such a weird concept to me. How numbers and random letters can become a way to create something completely different. I don't know but it makes sense and doesn't. I guess it's a language with a functional definition. Guess we're back at languages, see I am pretty damn predictable. Everything in a system even my thoughts loop back.
I hate writing. I really have no sense of how to pick words. The right words, despite my obsession with them. Maybe it's because I don't see them as words. Words are shapes with a pattern in their form. I don't sound them out, I just look and process. I read fast, too fast for my own good perhaps. Maybe that's why my mind can race I save so much time reading through images because to me that's what words are. That's why I like art with text so much because to me it makes so much sense. It is just another form. In that context I like using it as a form. Making people see words the way I do. Not as a sound but as an image. I don't like sounds. I'm tone deaf. I love jazz. Jazz is a pattern too. A whimsical rhythm with a structure that seems structureless. The balance between is what makes it so amazing to listen to. You get lost in it. Even if I can't really hear the difference between the notes I get the timing.
I'm just rambling now.
To sum this up. In short as stated at the beginning I make art to find a balance between control and a lack of control. It applies not just for my work but also in my life. I want to find a place where I can still have unpredictability but in a way that I can at least narrow the possibilities into a field I want. A controlled chance. That's what I am striving for. Who knows if I will achieve that. Seems mildly impossible. But hey it's something to search for and I have a whole life ahead of me to try to find it.
Remember that piece from a long time ago...head on head...now thats a whole book.
I am obsessive, anxious, systematic, efficient, and logical. My work is the same. I make art so the ideas in my head, my obsessions, my neuroses, don't consume me. I like repetition, patterning, pointless tasks because they allow me not to think. I can become almost robotic, which for me is a form of meditation, an escape. I like subjects that worry me in someway. Language has been my most recent fascination. Dictionaries and thesauruses. They are simple and rigid in their construction but language itself has a fluidity a whimsy which I want to achieve. I want to be whimsy and funny. I think my work is funny. It really is meant to be but no one ever sees it that way. So I guess I'm not funny. (Womp)
I am too calculated probably to be funny. Too focused on putting things into grids, patterns, systems. Making the random not random. Even if it appears random my work is not random. Not at all. Everything has a numerical value. I like numbers. Algorithms are fascinating to me. Coding is such a weird concept to me. How numbers and random letters can become a way to create something completely different. I don't know but it makes sense and doesn't. I guess it's a language with a functional definition. Guess we're back at languages, see I am pretty damn predictable. Everything in a system even my thoughts loop back.
I hate writing. I really have no sense of how to pick words. The right words, despite my obsession with them. Maybe it's because I don't see them as words. Words are shapes with a pattern in their form. I don't sound them out, I just look and process. I read fast, too fast for my own good perhaps. Maybe that's why my mind can race I save so much time reading through images because to me that's what words are. That's why I like art with text so much because to me it makes so much sense. It is just another form. In that context I like using it as a form. Making people see words the way I do. Not as a sound but as an image. I don't like sounds. I'm tone deaf. I love jazz. Jazz is a pattern too. A whimsical rhythm with a structure that seems structureless. The balance between is what makes it so amazing to listen to. You get lost in it. Even if I can't really hear the difference between the notes I get the timing.
I'm just rambling now.
To sum this up. In short as stated at the beginning I make art to find a balance between control and a lack of control. It applies not just for my work but also in my life. I want to find a place where I can still have unpredictability but in a way that I can at least narrow the possibilities into a field I want. A controlled chance. That's what I am striving for. Who knows if I will achieve that. Seems mildly impossible. But hey it's something to search for and I have a whole life ahead of me to try to find it.
Remember that piece from a long time ago...head on head...now thats a whole book.
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